Saturday, November 13, 2010


I have thought I should give you this piece of humour to make you laugh a little.

Only birds ought to fly, should anything else? In short, I have always believed that I should never be inside an aeroplane unless it is on the ground, its handbrake firmly on and its engine dead. I have never trusted my life to the driver called the pilot. In most cases people have to be carried into its belly half dead and not filled with fear but with a toxic drinks which is called a Dixie. People have to be in that state of mind because they cannot be sure that the driver called pilot has not consumed an illicit smokable before flying. During the past, in early sixties, not every individual carrying a team of jiggers in their toes and tapeworms in their tummies could get into the belly of a plane. You had to be a special daughter or son of the land of the most highly respected man in the country to go to the places like in Europe, America or in far East. You might think who are they. It did however occurred, no matter that you were just flying to a neighbouring country they still said: "The son of the shores of the most highly respected guy of the land has gone overseas in an aeroplane". Any plane might have problems similar to those faced cars, like those always starts coughing and stalling at the wrong time and place. I first got into the belly of a plane almost fifteen years ago when traveling to India to pursue my Computer studies
My trip to India that time was not different. When the people learned that a poor son of their house was going to the land of Asians, the whole village of my ancestral home came to see me off. It was as if they were seeing me for the last time. They touched me as if I were a new creation, and all of a sudden they would find lots of wisdom to impart to me. The grandmothers brought boiled arrow roots and said: "Son of Onyango, I know Asians will make you eat as little as they do. They will starve you to death. A wise man carries something for himself when going on a journey. Eat these on your way." As though the clan paid my fare. Uncle Ojwan’g came in and said: "Son of my sister, I saw Asians before you were born and so listen to this mouth that is speaking. We are not sending you overseas to get yourself an Asian wife. We are sending you there to read books on behalf of the Onyango’s Clan." Ojwan’g said as though the Onyango’s clan was paid for my plane ticket and accommodation overseas.
However, my advice is that you don’t go to the toilet during the flight. When you want to use the toilet, you have to open the door and step onto the air and then into the closet. If you make a false move, you fall down. And it will be said that the Son of the Onyango’s Clan died while going to the toilet in the air".
That is probably why my mother, Anne, presented me before the priest called Mchungaji Paulo and fell at his feet. She told him: "Bless him, father. Bless him with the holy water. Bless him so that he will not be swallowed by the belly of the big bird the way Jonah was swallowed by the whale as per the bible description.
May he not be vomited from the belly of the bird the way Jonah was vomited by the whale. Bless him, father, so that when he gets to the land of Asians his eyes do not see what the devil would like him to see. Keep his legs away from the dens of the devil." The Italian priest with a peeling nose grabbed a container full of "holy water" and splashed me with it as he mumbled words in Latin. I could only imagine that he was telling any evil spirits to keep off my flight or face the wrath of the Almighty who had inspired the author of that revered tongue. Let me say that each time I get into the belly of a plane, I imagine that the person sitting next to me is a relative of Osama bin Laden. I imagine that the pilot is suffering from the kind of hangover that makes a person see six people in the place of one. I could suffer a heart attack when I remember that there is a shortage of mechanics and spare parts up in the clouds, and that there is no service station over there. That is why I have to be carried into the plane half dead.

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